Mafia Gazette Past Issue 1
14th August, 2005 'POLICE CITED AS MAIN CAUSE OF DEATH ' In a shock survey today, the Police have been cited as being the biggest killers in our community to date. The results show that well over half the people killed in the last week have been at the hands of the police. A police spokesman was asked about the survey results. His reply was that people were resisting arrest for crimes, such as purse snatching and robbing stores. There had also been a couple of nasty incidents where the police had run drivers of stolen cars off the roads and into trees, instantly killing the occupant of the stolen vehicle. “When people resist arrest, we are forced to take action” he stated. “Sometimes that action has to be a use of force, which we dislike, but find necessary to stop the perpetrators from escaping.” When asked about the rumours of police brutality, the reply was that there was no such thing, and officers were trained to react to situations as professionally as possible in all circumstances. Unfortunately, that sometimes meant shooting the fleeing perpetrator, and in most cases, killing the felon. Police have asked the public not to resist arrest, but to give themselves up peacefully to the justice system. 'POPULATION EXPLOSION THROUGH IMMIGRATION' Immigrants have been pouring in through the ports in the past week, swelling the population to nearly 1,000 citizens in the community. Immigration officials stated that this was the biggest population rise that had been seen in a decade, with people from about 20 different countries arriving on ships on a daily basis. The biggest problems faced so far have been housing the new arrivals. Small shanty towns have grown up on the outskirts of the cities as new housing is built. Work has been plentiful for the immigrants as the building industry booms, although there has been a distinct increase in the crime rate. Police say that they have the crime rate under control, and as a percentage, there has been very little increase in criminal activity. It is hoped that the buildings industry can keep up with the flow of new arrivals in the city, and it is thought that some firms will make millions in profit through the latest population boom. With a multi-cultural society now a part of our community, we look forward to seeing new and interesting businesses springing up in the cities, and the possible rise of Families coming out of these groups. 'THEFT RESULTS IN STREET FIGHT ' By: Revelation The streets broke out in a frenzy of GOOG fighting today when a gang of youths hijacked a conversation and started flinging the material at each other. One was even reported to have brought out a small paddling pool to collect the GOOG in. Several people were nearly covered in the sticky, petroleum jelly-like substance when they went out to see what was happening. Police attempted to arrest two of the GOOG flingers, but were foiled in the attempt when the GOOG felons slipped out of their grasp. The scene then turned into a farce worthy of the latest movies, with the police looking more and more like the Keystone Cops with every minute. The perpetrators, at certain points seemed more interested in the possibilities of the GOOG being used as a source of pleasure before it was quickly learned that it was not as pleasing to lower region, as it was to the palette. The idea of marketing the GOOG as another form of spam was quickly forgotten when the group of thug’s began to hurl money at one another. It seemed like it could get no worse than when one of the only females on the scene decided to begin collecting the money and placing it in her GOOG soaked bra. The police, seeing their opportunity as the felons began goggling the young woman, moved in for the kill. They began waiving their batons like the young men were at the woman with the GOOG soaked bra. Within moments many were cuffed and taken away, when suddenly the GOOG’s true purpose was revealed, working as a combustible entity to destroy the general population, quite like spam. The ambulances began to show up, but as the GOOG clouds closed and unleashed upon the streets, flooding them with GOOG it was apparent that there would be no escape for anyone as they began to slip and slide into one another, ending the tragedy, leaving only Velvet left standing to answer to the police. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to Tallulah at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines'.' 'REFERENCES' 1. Article from website http://pvp.a.mafia.org/gazette.php?issue=2. Browse • • • • • • •